Clitorises are Bitches* and the Battle of the Sexes

by Donald A. Smith, PhD

Many women have trouble climaxing. That may be due to anatomical or health limitations, to psychological hangups, or to lack of skill on the part of themselves or their partners.

Most men climax easily -- often, too easily. Most women are not so lucky.

Many women report that they can climax relatively quickly -- within a minute or two -- when they masturbate alone, but when they're with a guy it takes longer. This may be true even though they enjoy being with the guy and even though the guy is a skilled lover.

Sometimes clitorises cooperate and they deliver wonderful orgasms; sometimes they don't. Sometimes having great sex happens naturally; sometimes it doesn't.

Often it's the guy's fault, for being too impatient and selfish. But many women (see comments below) say that both they and their partners try very hard but the women still can't climax.

In short, clitorises are bitches.* Not all clitorises and not all the time, but many of them and too often. They're fickle. They're demanding. They're frustrating, both for their owners and for their owners' partners.

*The statement “Clitorises are bitches” was made by a woman in the comments at Female-Satistfaction.com.

According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate, the average woman requires about 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to climax, with a range from 15 minutes to 45 minutes. Mintz says that only 1 to 4 percent of women consistently climax from vaginal penetration alone. Another source says that about 25% of women can climax from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. Most women need manual or other stimulation. But even with such stimulation, many women have trouble climaxing, especially older women.

About 5% to 10% of women never experience orgasm at all.

The fact that clitorises cause so much trouble may be proof that God is not a female. God seems to favor men's satisfaction.

But it's an interesting historical and anthropological question whether women orgasmed more easily in pre-industrial societies. One reason to think that they might have is: they were less hung up. A reason to doubt that they climaxed more easily is: in many societies, women were treated as chattel.

Part of the battle of the sexes involves the fact that most men climax easily, while most women don't. This can be a source of frustration and resentment.

The woman may be frustrated and angry if her partner climaxes too soon, without satisfying her, or if the man seems bored and bothered by having to massage, carress and stimulate her when all he really wants to do is stick it in and get his release.

The man may be frustrated and angry if he has to delay his orgasm and has to spend a long time stimluating his partner. Or he may feel shame if he climaxes too soon or can't maintain his erection.

Some women fake orgasms to avoid the conflict and frustrations that result from difficulty climaxing. In fact, according to CBS News, Ouch: 80 Percent of Women Faking Orgasms, Says Study. "They found a whopping 80 percent faked orgasms during vaginal intercourse at least half of the time. A smaller group was even more prolific with their oohs and aahs. The study found 25 percent of the women faked it 90 percent of the time, according to MSNBC."

What part of DONT STOP do you not understand?

Straight women generally want men to desire them, and often a woman welcomes giving pleasure to her lover. But in a healthy relationship women expect some reciprocation and don't want to feel used.

A woman generally wants a man to work to get his reward. Women don't want to be just semen receptacles and objects for the pleasure of the man.

One thing that might work is to take turns using one another. Being used can be a turn on, if it's eventually reciprocated. Normally that implies that the woman climaxes first, since if he climaxes first he'll likely be unable to please her as much.

One ideal is to use one another at the same time and achieve (near) simultaenous orgasm. A higher idea is to have real affection and love for your partner. At the beginning of a relationship, that's not possible.

When I talk to women about this topic, they tend to blame the man and to denounce men who don't sufficiently love them and don't sufficiently appreciate the female body. It almost feels like women want men to worship their bodies. A man is called a good lover if he makes a big fuss over the woman, by kissing, caressing, massaging and saying sweet nothings. Unless the man does all that, the woman won't climax. A man unwilling to do all that is called selfish and a jerk.

Some men can't be bothered to learn the skills and to do the work required to satsify a woman. Maybe they find that work boring. Maybe such men would call more compliant men submissive wimps. Women might respond: if you took your time, you'd enjoy much better sex yourself. Women often tell men that if they cooperate, like good boys, by taking the time to satisfy them, they will be rewarded with great sex. Men may figure: why bother? The men will climax anyway. Men often prefer young women, who may not be experiened and confident enough to know what they're missing and what they deserve.

Maybe some men just aren't into women enough.

Or maybe some women expect too much, should stop blaming the man, and should take things into their own hands.

This is part of the battle of the sexes!

frustrated and angry couple are lying in bed

Below are some comments by women complaining about their sexual response. Quotations in this article are from Female-Satisfaction.com, which has hundreds of frank comments about sexuality from women and men all over the world. Some comments are funny. Many comments are sad.

Clitorises make life difficult for their owners' partners and are a source of conflict and resentment between the sexes.

But are orgasms needed during each sexual encounter? And is it necessary to be so goal-oriented about the process? Great sex and orgasms happen when they happen. We can't always control them.

But other women strongly disagree that orgasms are optional.

Many men are too impatient to do what's needed to arouse and satisfy the woman. Biologically, the man's aim is to deposit the sperm. The faster the better. Men need to be trained to please the woman. This is part of the batlle between the sexes. Their interests don't entirely overlap. And it's not clear that female orgasms serve a biological purpose; on that topic, see also this.

Here are some comments illustrating impatient men, unskillful men, and men who can't last long enough.

Of course, many women are quite satisfied with their sex lives, with or without direct clitoral stimulation. In fact, it's lilely what people who are satisified with their love lives were less likely to add comments.

On the other hand, perhaps a woman and her partner just need to learn how to please the clitoris. A skilled lover can more easily satisfy a woman. Indeed, many women do have satisfying sex lives, up to and including multiple orgasms and squriting ("gushing").

And a good vibrator can help.

And is it entirely her partner's responsibility to satisfy the woman? Certainly, she shares responsibility -- by learning how her body responds, by telling her partner what works, and by taking things into her own hands, if necessary, including the use of a vibrator.

Perhaps the point is: great sex isn't natural. For most people it requires training and practise. Some couples seem eminently compatible sexually. Additionally, biological limitations need to be respected.

Maybe it's like spiritual enlightenment. We're all capable of it, they say. But we need to work at it. It doesn't always come naturally. Same with great sex. It takes work.